Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the associated characters. Much love to Briannah from the Potterficweekly forum for beta reading this for me.

 

ÒI wish that I could turn back time,

Cuz now the guilt is all mine,

CanÕt live without the trust from the ones you love.

I know we can't forget the past,

You canÕt forget love and pride,

Because of that, itÕs killing me inside.Ó—Komm, sŸ§er Tod from the End of Evangelion

 

The first time Severus saw her, he very nearly didnÕt give Lily Evans a second glance. He was lying behind some bushes next to the playground because he was too tired from the long jog to get up and play just yet. Severus would be in trouble when he got home, but he was always in trouble anyway, so he figured he might as well do something to justify the screaming heÕd hear when he got home. He would have caught his breath sooner if he wasnÕt already overheating from his jacket, but finally he sat up. Just before he stood, he glanced around in the half trained way he did at home when he checked to see if his father was about. Beyond the bushes, he saw a pair of girls just his age on the merry-go-round, spinning it fast enough to make it blur. One of the girls, whom he could only see as a trail of red, was already on, while a blonde girl huffed as she ran around and around.

ÒFaster, Tuney!Ó laughed the red blur.

ÒIÕm running—fast as I can,Ó the blonde girl snapped. The other girl laughed harder and Severus rolled his eyes. Kids, his father voice grumbled in his head as he started for the swings. The next moment, however, he paused as a shrill scream echoed from the merry-go-round.

He looked back quickly—he would never get used to sudden loud sounds—and watched as the red blur became a red-haired girl that flew through the air, still screaming. Severus bit his lip, but remained still as he watched the girl get tossed through the air. But instead of the girl ending up as a splat on the ground—Severus would be in trouble then—the girl gently touched down, her feet tapping the gravel lightly.

ÒOh,Ó the girl said with eyes wide.

Her sister wasnÕt so calm, and was not so calm at the top of her lungs. But, as she besieged her sister with yells and questions, the red haired girl looked very curiously at her hands. Finally, the blonde huffed, seeing her sister was fine, and began to pull her sister away. ÒCÕmon, if anyone saw that, weÕll be in big trouble.Ó

ÒI wonder how I did thatÉÓ the girl mused.

ÒIÕm telling mummy Ôbout you, Lily,Ó her sister hissed.

Lily rolled her eyes. ÒYouÕre such a tattle tale, Tuney.Ó

Severus watched them leave, his pants clenched between his fists. His first coherent thought was magic then Lily. As was his third, fourth, and fifth, but then mister Jones, who lived two doors down and smelled like bad bourbon, found him and dragged him home, reminding him his father would skin him if he caught Severus out here. Severus let mister Jones pull him away, still thinking of the red haired girl, Lily, Lily, Lily, who could do magic like him, who was just his age, who, on second thought, had the prettiest red hair heÕd ever seen. Lily, the witch.

Severus smiled to himself and wondered if she would mind talking with him.

 

Something happens when you want to talk to someone, but then put-off doing it for too long: Severus day dreamed constantly of talking to Lily, the red haired witch who was both pretty and just his age. He imagined heÕd walk straight up to her and tell her straight off that she was special—she was a witch, she was like him, she was better. Better than he could ever dream, heÕd thought, and on the days his father couldnÕt find his whiskey again, he imagined that they would be such great friends that she would let him come live with her for ever and ever, and that his father would never find him. (Because if youÕre going to dream, might as well dream big, he thought.)ThereÕs something that happened because Severus spent too much time dreaming up great fantasies instead of just talking to Lily: he built up his dreams too high, and when he watched Lily and her sister leave, he felt his dreamsÕ sharp shards cutting his heart as they shattered.

But he was determined, and on the second time Petunia wasnÕt there, he didnÕt manage to offend Lily in about a dozen words. And perhaps it worked out better this time, because he didnÕt have a chance to plan this one out to have his hopes dashed so completely.

ÒYouÕre the Snape boy that lives down by the river, right?Ó she asked suddenly, nearly making him fall off the swing as he craned about to look at her.

He stared at first. ÒYes.Ó

She bit her lip and Severus wondered if she was as nervous as he was. ÒDid you mean it?Ó

ÒMeanÉabout magic?Ó She nodded. ÒYes, yes, I did,Ó he answered quickly. Half afraid that if he gave her the time, sheÕd merely laugh him off and wander away, trampling over the remains of his heart. ÒI wasnÕt trying to be mean, honest—I can do magic too.Ó

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. ÒCan you prove it? Can you fly, or make the flower open and close too?Ó

ÒWhen ever my father comes looking for me, I can make him not find me,Ó he blurted. But then, that made the screaming all the worse, but he didnÕt think that she would like him if he said that. ÒBut I can make them—the flowers—open and close if you want.Ó

LilyÕs eyes were bright when she nodded. She followed after he jumped up off the swing, and he walked over to the bush. He made the flower bloom, and then brought sheen of sweat to his brow by turning it from pink to red like her hair. She laughed and Severus grinned like a fool. ÒI never tried to change its color before! Teach me?Ó

He opened his mouth to speak, but then they heard her sister calling loudly.

ÒPetunia,Ó Lily said. ÒGuess she finally found her other shoe.Ó She pushed the hair out of her face and turned back to Severus. ÒCan we talk about magic again?Ó

ÒYes,Ó he answered, trying not to sound too eager.

She smiled. ÒIÕm Lily.Ó

He nearly said I know but quickly changed it to ÒthatÕs prettyÓ because no one had ever said anything like it to him. She turned pink, and he prayed it was the right thing to say.

ÒI like yours too,Ó she replied and Severus thought she should have been sainted. ÒI got to go—my sisterÕs calling.Ó

ÒI have to go home anyways,Ó he lied, backing away.

ÒSee you soon then, Sev,Ó she waved.

Severus excused himself, and nearly jogged all the way to the corner of SpinnerÕs End thinking She likes my name. She wants to talk about magic again. She called me Sev. Severus had never grinned so much in his life.

 

Fifteen minutes before then, Severus was sure that the only one he could ever really hate, well, besides LilyÕs stupid sister who made her cry, was his father. Fifteen minutes ago, only the thought of that spiteful, cruel man could make SeverusÕs blood boil faster than a kettle on the stove. But that was fifteen minutes ago, and Severus was sure that he could manage to hate that pair of boys he and Lily had met in the other compartment. He was supposed to be happy, he and Lily were on their way to Hogwarts for their first year, but all he could think of was how much he wanted to go back there, and hex the pair of boys.

ÒItÕs a good thing I met you before I ever met a wizard like either of those jerks,Ó Lily said, putting as much disdain into her words as possible. ÒI probably would have wanted nothing to do with magic if it makes you like that.Ó

SeverusÕs gaze flickered over to hers and he felt himself relaxing. ÒWell, I suppose even some wizards can be jerks, but I know you wouldnÕt be like those guys—youÕre too nice.Ó

Lily brightened at the compliment, and busied herself looking for a new compartment. ÒHereÕs one,Ó she said, already slipping in. Severus hesitated at the door—he didnÕt want a repeat of what just happened—but inside was a thin girl, eyeing them with interest, and across from her was a boy who was deeply asleep. Probably harmless, Severus decided, and followed Lily in. ÒMind if we join you?Ó

The girl shrugged. ÒI donÕt mind—heÕs certainly not going to care for a while,Ó she nodded to the sleeping boy. ÒIÕm Elaine, Elaine Goldman. I donÕt know his name—he just dropped in and fell asleep before we even got moving.Ó

ÒIÕm Lily Evans, and this is my friend, Severus Snape—say hello,Ó she prompted him quietly, but Severus only nodded. She rolled her eyes at his unfriendly manner, but then she plopped down on the seat next to Elaine so he had to take the place next to the sleeping boy. The rest of the trip, Severus mostly watched Lily talk to Elaine, but then the other girl excused herself to buy some candy from the trolley witch, leaving the two of the alone except for the still sleeping boy. ÒDo you think we should wake him up soon?Ó

Severus let his eyes flicker over to the boy for a moment, but quickly turned back to Lily. ÒNo,Ó he answered, because youÕll talk to him, and that girl just left, and youÕre my friend too, you know. ÒNo, heÕs justÉreally tired, probably.Ó

ÒSuppose so,Ó Lily replied quietly before fixing her gaze back on him. ÒDo you think I would do good in Slytherin?Ó

ÒI think youÕd be great anywhere,Ó he answered fervently. Ò-but IÕd miss you if you werenÕt in Slytherin with me.Ó

Lily smiled sweetly. ÒOh, but you could join me in another house, couldnÕt you—or do you not get a choice in it?Ó

Severus frowned, not only because he didnÕt know the answer, but he disliked the thought of not being together. ÒMaybe—but I think itÕd be best if we were both in Slytherin.Ó

Lily looked skeptical but didnÕt refuse him. ÒWeÕll see.Ó

 

She caught him right before he left to join the other Slytherin first years, she was still wearing her sad little smile from when she was sorted. ÒWe can still be friends, right?Ó she asked him.

Severus glanced to where the other first year Slytherins were being led to. ÒOf course,Ó he answered. ÒThere isnÕt a rule against it or anything.Ó

Lily tugged on his hand impatiently, and he looked at her. ÒIÕm sorry weÕre not together, Sev, but as long as were friends, IÕm sure weÕll both be okay. See you tomorrow, okay?Ó

He nodded, forgetting about following the others to their common room. ÒAlright, but if you become friends with that Potter or Black boy, IÕll never forgive you.Ó

She grinned, and then she tossed her arms around him. All he could think was sheÕs hugging me and she smells so good and she is so warm. Then she let go, and he felt more bereft than he could ever imagine. But then she smiled brightly at him, and it was enough. ÒSee you tomorrow, Sev.Ó

ÒSee you,Ó he called back quietly as she ran off.

 

One bright, and chilly October afternoon, Lily turned and grinned at Severus as they crouched together behind the school. ÒDo you remember finding this place our first year?Ó

He smiled softly because, yes, it had been brighter, and warmer than now, and he could still remember her pulling him over to inspect a large crack in the courtyardÕs rear wall, remember her excited laugh as she saw the view of the lake, and remember the sunny light in her hair and his heart. ÒSeems much longer than three years,Ó he agreed, drawing his knees closer.

She giggled, and hugged her legs too. ÒDo you ever wonder what your life would be like if we never knew we had magic?Ó she asked, looking dreamily at the light dancing on the lakeÕs waves.

ÒNo,Ó he answered honestly before he thought better.

ÒNo?Ó she turned, looking like a cat when it stumbles across something new. ÒWhy not?Ó

ÒI donÕtÉlike to think what it might be like if we didnÕt come here, if we werenÕt friends.Ó

She blinked. ÒYou donÕt think weÕd be friends if we hadnÕt found our magic?Ó

Yes, he thought, but answered ÒnoÓ, because Severus wasnÕt stupid.

She grinned and laughed. ÒWe were destined to be friends, you think?Ó

ÒYes.Ó Because he liked the idea of them destined to be together.

She turned to him, her face sunny, hair in artful disarray, and stood up, brushing off the back of her legs. ÒCÕmon, you promised to help me on my defense homework, and I know you havenÕt got your charms work done yet either.Ó

Severus wished she hadnÕt decided to get up and go, but then, it wasnÕt like she was leaving him behind, so he got up and followed her.

ÒSeverus? Can we talk?Ó Lily asked, looking indecisive for once. Severus blinked, and glanced to Avery who didnÕt look too happy. Then the other boy left, so Severus walked to Lily.

ÒDo you need something?Ó he asked, frowning.

To his horror, tears came to her eyes as she reached out, and snagged his wrists. ÒSeverus, tell me itÕs not true.Ó

ÒWhatÕs not true?Ó he asked, feeling his stomach sinking.

ÒI heard the most awful thing about you, Sev, and, oh, please say itÕs not true,Ó she begged, tugging on him. ÒErik Rochester said you called him a-a mud-blood. Sev, say you didnÕt!Ó

SeverusÕs jaw dropped. Why, that bloody little snitch!

ÒPlease, Severus, if you tell me itÕs not true, IÕll believe you. Jus-just tell me itÕs not true,Ó Lily pleaded.

For a moment, Severus imagined telling her the truth. He saw two possible solutions—he could apologize, and she could forgive him, and theyÕd be stronger for it, or he imagined sheÕd never speak to him again.

ÒSev, please?Ó

He couldnÕt risk her not liking him anymore. ÒErik RochesterÕs a lying little jerk, Lily. You shouldnÕt listen to him.Ó

For a moment, he canÕt read her expression, but then she smiled a little, and a tear escaped. She let go to wipe at her face with her sleeve, but she looked so relieved. ÒOh, Sev, thank goodness. IÕm so sorry I doubted you, but we never talk any more, and poor Erik had these big bruises—but oh, never mind. IÕm glad.Ó

ÒWell,Ó he tried to smile, Òmaybe we should try and talk more—so we donÕt have this happen again.Ó

She smiled. ÒYes. Yes, we should.Ó She squeezed his wrist. ÒIÕm so glad.Ó

And so was he.

 

Severus couldnÕt think of a time that he had managed to foul up even worse than he had then. He really was set on sleeping outside the Gryffindor common room if he had to; Filch, McGonagall, even Dumbledore could not have pried him from the spot before the Fat LadyÕs portrait. He didnÕt care if Potter and his cronies came running out of the portrait, blazing for battle, he was going to wait until Lily came out to him, and he was going to make it right no matter what.

And then, all of a sudden, she was there, and then she disappeared back in just as quickly.

Severus looked unseeingly at the now Fat LadyÕs portrait, which looked torn between sympathy and righteous anger, and tried not to cry.

Finally, he turned, and walked back to the dungeons, back to the Slytherin common room, back to his yearÕs room, and dropped inelegantly on his bed.

ÒYou look like shit, Snape,Ó Avery commented dispassionately. ÒWhat, get dumped?Ó

Severus didnÕt answer.

Avery blinked. ÒThatÕs rough. Mind putting some silencing charms up before you start blubbering?Ó

Severus didnÕt bother to reconsider before he hexed his fellow Slytherin.

 

Severus had really begun to despise the newspapers before he turned twenty one. It wasnÕt so much that they were inaccurate—which they were, but everyone knew that—but that they were too accurate.

Three years ago, Severus had been flipping through the paper when a name caught his eye, and he saw that it was an announcement for James and Lily PotterÕs marriage. He stared for the longest time at the picture of the happy couple before he got a pair of scissors and carefully cut James out of it. He tossed the rest of the picture and the paper into the fire before him, but he gently cradled the bit of her glowing ecstatic up at him.

One year ago, he had been idly reading again when he came upon another announcement in the paper, this time celebrating the birth of Harry Potter. Severus took great joy in watching the paper slowly curl and shrivel upon the flames.

On November first, Severus vowed to never read another newspaper as long as he lived. He let the obituaries land softly on the carpet before he began to stomp and shred the paper to bits.

 

That first day he first saw Harry Potter, it nearly staggered him to look down at him, and see LilyÕs eyes, emerald eyes, softest green eyes, beautiful eyes of beautiful Lily. Beautiful dead Lily. But showing such a reaction would have been like defeat, and Harry looked so like his father that Severus got over it quick enough. He just made a point to glare at the space between his eyes.

But now, now he is dying, and god, he hopes dying wasnÕt like this for Lily because she never ever deserved this pain. He thinks of all the time heÕs seen Avada Kedavra used, and he now he wished Voldemort had just used the killing curse. It was as if all his blood was being replaced by venom and oh god, it hurt, it hurt, someone, anyone, just make it stop, make it stop. He would give anything for sweet death, release just as long as it stopped.

And then there was Harry Potter, and damnit, for once in his life, couldnÕt he just have one shred of dignity? But then heard DumbledoreÕs words ringing in his head, and that was right, he was supposed to tell Harry. But he barely had the strength to speak. But then he remembered, really remembered and he tried to yell ÒTake it!Ó, but it came out faint, and he wasnÕt sure the boy heard him.

But he had to remember, and Potter, damnit, he better know enough to take the memories. But once he started remembering, he couldnÕt stop and all sorts of memories came pouring out. Even as he looked into PotterÕs eyes—no LilyÕs eyes—he remembered.

The first time Severus saw her, he very nearly didnÕt give Lily Evans a second glance. He was lying behind some bushes next to the playground because he was too tired from the long jog to get up and play just yetÉ