As Remus stood on the doorstep, he felt as though his world had shattered in an instant. His three greatest friends, his truest family, the people who had helped him when he had wanted nothing more than curl up and disappear, were all gone. James, along with Lily, killed by Voldemort because of…him. Peter, blasted into a million pieces by…him. Remus couldn’t even bring himself to think his name. It brought back too many memories, too many hopes for what could have been.

           

            Even in the face of what his mind knew all too well, Remus couldn’t bring his heart to believe that it was true. Had everything been a lie? Everything they had shared, all those laughs, all those smiles - had they all been nothing more than a act? It couldn’t have been, Remus forced himself to believe. Those times with him had been the times when Remus had felt the most alive. How could it possibly not have been real?

 

            *****     ******    ******    *****     ******    ******    *******   **********

            “Remus, where were you?” An anxious voice greeted him as he stepped from the darkness into the open door of the small, old house.

 

            “I... I got hung up on the way here,” Remus panted, leaning heavily against the doorjamb, his breath coming in short spurts. Sirius was standing in the doorway, his face full of concern and worry. Remus wondered absently how long he had been standing there, waiting. “Um, could I come in?”

 

            “What a bloody imbecile I am,” Sirius exclaimed, slapping himself on the forehead. “Here you are, dead tired, and I’m blocking the door!” Wrapping his arm around his friend, Sirius helped him over the threshold and lowered him gently onto the couch. “Moony, are you hurt?” he asked anxiously.

 

            Remus sat down heavily on the aged flower-patterned couch and sunk into its welcoming cushions. “I don’t think so,” he muttered. “Just tired. I ran into someone on the way back, just one, though, and I saw him far enough ahead of time to get to a safe Apparition area. Gave me quite a chase, though,” he added with a forced smile, trying to lighten the mood.

 

            Sirius’ eyes were wide, and he ran his hands through his thick, dark hair. “I’m glad you’re all right, mate. I don’t know what I would have done if anything happened to you, if I was alone without you in this old place.” He gestured around the safehouse as he spoke.

 

            “It has been lonely since James and Lily went into hiding, hasn't it? Merlin, not a day goes by when I don’t worry about the two of them,” Remus mused.

 

            Sirius sat down beside Remus on the couch. “It isn’t fair!” he moaned, in a half-petulant, half-desperate tone. “We’re only twenty, we should be out having fun, living our lives the way we want to live them. We shouldn’t have to worry about being killed every time we set foot outdoors!”

 

            Remus smiled sadly at his friend. “Things aren’t always fair, Padfoot,” he reminded him gently. “Sometimes things happen to people that no one expected, things that no one deserves. You just have to learn to play the hand you’re dealt, and just keep on living.”

 

            Sirius seemed to realize now what he meant. “There I am, being an idiot again,” he exclaimed scornfully. “Of course things aren’t fair, they certainly aren't for you!”

 

            Remus laid his hand gently on Sirius’ arm. “Don’t apologize,” he told him. “You and James and Peter were the only reason I was able to stay sane and not turn into a bitter, murdering monster like some people with my...condition do. We got through that together, we can get through this as well. I know we can”

           

“But how do you know that?” Sirius pressed. “Moony, I’m scared”

 

            Remus looked at his friend, examining the untidy dark hair and handsome face. There seemed to be more lines there than Remus had remembered, and the usually cocky grin had left, leaving only fear and uncertainty exposed beneath.

           

            “I know it,” Remus repeated. “And besides, in times like these, what else to we have to hold on to?”

           

            The two friends looked at one another for a moment, and then, as if by unspoken agreement, each embraced the other, wrapping them in a tight hug. Without speaking a word, so many things were conveyed by that one simple gesture: fear, uncertainty, hope, helplessness, remorse. A few seconds passed, and the two broke apart.

 

            “You’re right,” Sirius murmured. “It’s all we have, isn’t it? The hope that, someday, things will get better.”

           

            A smile crossed Remus' face, as though he had just realized the answer to some elusive question. “No,” he said softly. “It’s not. We have each other.” Part of Remus was shocked that he had spoken so openly, but the larger part didn’t care. Now wasn’t the time for regrets, life was too uncertain to accommodate them

            Sirius seemed to realize what was being said just below the surface, and solemn understanding came over his features. He leaned his head gently onto Remus' side, and Remus relaxed slightly, wrapping his arm around Sirius. The two lay side-by-side as the minutes turned into hours, and even though danger and chaos reigned in most of the world, it seemed to Remus that in this room, even for a few hours, there was peace.

 

******    *******   ******    ******    ******    ******

 

            He wouldn’t believe it, Remus decided. Of course, he would act as though Sirius was nothing more than a traitorous murderer. He would curse his name and mourn the people whose lives had been lost in the war. But the Sirius that he had known hadn’t been a murderer, hadn’t been a traitor. So deep down in his heart, Remus would keep alive a spark of hope, hope that, somehow, the Sirius he had loved wasn’t lost forever.